recalibration
thoughts on growing up, random musings, and other miscellany from a not-writer.
Hello world.
The past four years have been a perpetual state of recalibration. New Years Eve going into 2020 marked the first time I carved out time to think deeply about my values, goals, and what aligning with and accomplishing those would look like (love you, goalsquad!). Unbeknownst to me at the time, that was the opportune moment for introspection and focus. It proved pivotal to keeping myself moving forward in a time when I know so much of the world felt rudderless.
Since then, I’ve performed an annual retrospective & recalibration of my values & goals. I’ve asked myself what brought me the most joy and the most stress. What I was holding on to just because it had become an ingrained habit. What I was afraid of. And while I still have so much to learn about myself and the world, these past few months in particular have felt like a growth spurt. I’ve been feeling both the joys of seeing things from a new vantage point and the growing pains from the level of change sometimes overshooting my stress threshold.
And that brings us to now.
I’ve never considered myself a writer, though that’s not for lack of dabbling in my youth. In elementary school—short stories with boundless world building using Wikipedia as my only source (very comprehensive…). In middle & high school—angsty songs that caused my teachers concern, and love songs that still make me cringe. In college—spoken word poetry with flowery metaphors that I for some reason thought were deep. Now, I just word vomit into physical journals, into Roam Research, into Google Docs. There is no structure, no story, no cohesion. For all I’ve learned and grown and processed, I have a difficult time reflecting on it tangibly, since I can’t keep track of my notes. I look in my voice memos, only to later find what I wanted on a napkin tucked in my backpack. I look in my Notes, only to find it’s in Otter. It’s not organized chaos. It’s just chaos, and it’s not working for me.
So this isn’t my attempt to establish myself as this phase of life’s writer. It’s just my attempt to capture my fleeting thoughts in one place. I’m actively trying to identify as not a writer. If I care too much about my identity as a capital W Writer, I know I’ll avoid posting for fear of what others may think about what I’m writing. But as a not-writer, I’m just here for me. I’m here to make it easier for myself to look back on this short, little life and the trajectory I’ve taken. Also, my memory is pretty shit, so it’s worth jotting my thoughts down before they inevitably whisk away into nothingness.
So I’m here for me, but this can be for you too.
I kind of imagine that only my close friends will read this, but for whoever ends up here, I’m hoping that this space will serve as a reminder of the value of vulnerability, self-reflection, and presence. While I plan to edit posts for grammar and clarity, I don’t anticipate editing much of my content. I know I’ll start slicing myself to pieces if I do. I’m prone to self-criticism, and I don’t want this to be another vehicle for that. I want this to be a place for self-acceptance instead. I want to trust that what I have to say, no matter how banal, is something worth sharing. That sharing something, even something shitty, is better than sharing nothing at all.
So my posts will probably be all over the place, but that’s by design.
That being said, I anticipate having some usual themes:
Little epiphanies or lessons learned
Values I’m keeping salient and goals I’m working towards
Things that have brought me joy and comfort, when I historically have had a difficult time experiencing either of those things
I don’t know how often I’ll be posting. Currently I’m fantasizing about at least once a month, but as a not-writer, I’m spending most of my time focusing on other priorities. At the very least, rest assured I won’t be spamming you every day.
So that’s me.
I’m glad you’re here. I hope you learn a little about me through my musings, and maybe a little about yourself while you’re here too. You can click here for a little bit more about who I am.
A special thank you to my dear friend
for the photos featured on this intro post and my About page. I love you dearly, and I’m so grateful for your warmth, openness, and creativity.
You inspire me! Love you to the moon!