i’m an elephant

believing her rope tether || inescapable

Minimal preamble today. Here’s an alphabetical set of haiku, accompanied by a Radiohead song that helped see me through the morning’s feelings of anxiety.

electric shocks come
and i, presuming defeat
lay down and take it¹

-

four thirty a.m.
tightness settles in my chest
slow-moving panic

-

i have not kept up
with logging brilliant things
while falling apart

-

i just don’t want it
if it’s always gonna be
so damn difficult

-

i watch as the sky
lifts from an inky blackness
to light-wash denim

-

i wept everywhere
in conference rooms, atriums
in coworkers’ arms

-

lacking energy
to feed myself, to shower
basic human things

-

my dream self’s illness
carries to my waking self
throat’s left side aching

-

perpetually
arms were crossed—was he aware
of body language?

-

pleasant as always
seeing you should be easy
but no, it’s torture

-

sideways rain pelted
our skin, kissing us with stings
we wobbled from wind

-

staircase to nowhere
depression in the ceiling
circular recess

-

the coffee sputters
hot liquid assaults my skin
a kitchen crime scene

-

there’s not a portion
of campus that’s stayed unstained
by my grieving tears

-

thistle in the rug
stained glass, mirrors, wallpaper
all-encompassing

-

today’s the first day
i feel something like relief
for my time away

-

when i stay behind
to “listen to my body”
is it avoidance?

tiny white birds along the coast in galway, ireland

1. Both this and the title haiku are in reference to the psychological theory of “learned helplessness” first studied at UPenn.