Today is my 30th birthday. So far I’ve spent the day having coffee with loved ones, meandering shops, and eating all of the leftover sweets from a gathering I hosted yesterday. Seeing all the people I love interact with each other made my heart sing.
I’ve felt just fine about turning 30. I don’t feel plagued by the dread of being behind somehow, like I had always thought I would. Instead, I relish the symbolism of a new chapter, the idea of a fresh start. I keep joking that leaving my 20s means I’ve wrapped up beta testing and am launching my MVP. I’ll still be buggy, but at least I have a clearer picture of who I am and who I want to be.
I have grown and changed in so many ways over the last decade, prompted by one catalyst or another. I think life is much more interesting to think of in terms of “inflection points” rather than just “core events.” Core events are the usual—graduating college, getting a job, going through a break-up, etc. But those don’t always align with a change in direction, a setting off onto some new leg of the journey. Inflection points instead are the events, big or small, that enacted a change that felt substantial.
Here’s a selection of mine, from my 20s:
Sitting on the grass in front of the Campanile at UC Berkeley, reading about People v. Turner
Gavin introducing me as Charlie’s girlfriend to someone at Dolores Park
Getting assaulted on BART
Meeting
at Natoma CabanaThe inaugural Goalsquad session, NYE going into 2020
Virtually attending Lightbox Expo
Getting my portrait taken for Jason Sutherland Hsu’s Mixed Blood Project
Discovering rug tufting on social media
Receiving an email about a summer songwriting intensive at Studio A.C.T.
Discovering starling murmurations
Feeling what it’s like to find people who really see me
Being told the observation, “I think you come to love people who show you that it’s okay to love yourself.”
These kicked me off in so many directions. A select few:
Reading about People v. Turner made me understand that an experience I had when I was 18, that I buried deep down, was rape. It kicked off an absolutely painful path of being diagnosed with PTSD and losing a sense of safety and sense of self, but it also led to greater healing that I could have thought possible. It gave me a desire to pursue love and softness in spite of the pain I’ve experienced.
Attending LBX marked the moment I decided to pursue a career in the animation industry, leading me to meet
and via The Naiad, let go of drawing in favor of storytelling in other forms, and get my job at Pixar.Sitting for the Mixed Blood Project led me to a loving community of fellow first-gen mixed kids, a desire to re-learn Japanese, and the courage to reclaim my Japanese name Marié (まりえ, pronounced mah-ree-ayy) rather than continuing to go by the Americanized Marie (pronounced mur-ee).
Being really seen and understanding the value of loving myself led me to clarify what I want in personal relationships, let relationships and paths go when they’ve run their course, and ruthlessly pursue activities that bring me joy as an act of fiercely loving myself.
It’s wild thinking of all of the ways I’ve changed. I barely recognize who I was 10 years ago, and I hope in a lot of ways that I feel the same when I’m 40, looking back on the person I am today.
I have a lot of wishes and dreams for myself as I move into this next decade. Here are 10 things (to commemorate the decade) I’d like to carry with me going forward to help me chase those:
Make an occasion, then rise to it1
The time will pass anyway
It’s the having, not the keeping, that is the treasure2
The faintest ink is more powerful than the strongest memory3
Sharing my creative expression is one of the few unique things I have to offer
My time and energy is far too precious to spend it chasing non-reciprocal personal relationships
If someone activates my nervous system, they’re out. If someone dismisses my heart, they’re out
I ought to do what I want, because nobody else actually gives a shit about what I’m doing, because they give way more of a shit about what they’re doing
I don’t need to light myself on fire to keep others warm
Even when I want to steel myself to the world, choose love anyway
That’s all for today. Thanks for being here.
A paraphrased quote from Anaïs Mitchell, in a Q&A she did at Pixar a few months ago
Jack Gilbert, The Lost Hotels of Paris
Chinese proverb