I’m in my 6th week of my intensive outpatient trauma program, which is why I’ve been rather quiet here. It feels a strange irony that something as gentle-sounding as healing can be so hard. It’s slow progress, but progress nonetheless, and I’m proud of myself for giving myself the time and space for this inner work.
One of the therapeutic modalities we’ve been touching in program is Internal Family Systems. The rough idea is that there are different “parts” of us that are often at play aside from our capital S Self, and many of them cover more vulnerable parts. The Inner Critic who says I need to do better may be trying to cover for another part that says no one will love me if I’m flawed. The Perpetual Snacker At A Party is trying to cover the part that says I don’t deserve to be here.
We’ve done a few meditations and writing exercises to dig into our parts that want to steer our behavior. I opted to write haiku, instead of free-form prose. These were prompted by some reflection questions provided by the program.
As always, thank you for being here. For those who have offered me support during this tough season—I cherish you deeply.
the caretaker
i can take your wound
the pain from your broken wing
take it as my own
-
it strokes my ego
to believe that i’m helping
a savior of sorts
-
it’s for the best, no?
anticipatory acts
though at my expense?
-
how can you blame me
when i was taught that helping
was how to earn love?
-
if i stopped caring
for their feelings, i would fear
pain left in my wake
-
if i’m causing harm
how could i convince myself
i’m a good person?
-
and if i’m not good
then i can’t help but wonder
what’s the point at all?
the inner critic
my inner critic
works to keep my shortcomings
private if it can
-
careful attention
can prevent me from making
a fool of myself
-
it clings to control
always thinks it runs the show
its hubris glowing
-
doing everything
in just the perfect sequence
will keep me safe, right?
-
i’m just not convinced
i’m worthy of being loved
if i’m clearly flawed
-
if i am not loved
then what would i be left with?
anything at all?
the reaper
with a single arc
of a gold scythe, the reaper
clears the fields anew
-
when overwhelm calls
square zero can deliver
possibility
-
why trudge through the muck
when you can cast it aside
pretend it’s not there?
-
though temporary
this fresh start may be, it beats
the alternative
-
they can help me stop
spinning my wheels even if
just for a while