i felt the ache today
constricting beneath my sternum
I woke at 3:30am today from a night terror, and I spent the next couple hours oscillating between fitful sleep and a paralyzed state of consciousness before giving up and peeling myself out of bed. PTSD is a fickle mistress. I wrote this piece months ago, letting it fall back into the recesses of my mind until this morning’s specific brand of ache reeled it back to the forefront.
I penned this early on a Monday morning by firelight, hoping the physical heat from the nearby flames would emotionally warm me. It only kind of helped. I vaguely remember generating a melody for the third and fourth stanzas, but I could never quite bring myself to push it out of a poem and into a song.
I’m planning to post February’s EBT tomorrow, so forgive the double post in quick succession, but it feels emotionally honest for me as a writer to share when the urge strikes. And I want nothing if not to be honest.
i felt the ache today
constricting beneath my sternum
a singularity spontaneously
formed between my lungs
pulling its surroundings
becoming denser
denser
denser
the exhales come easily
the vacuum tugs my lungs
like i’m meant to be empty
to pour myself out
to cease to exist entirely
becoming nothing
nothing
nothing
am i chilling
in response to reminders of winter
cable knit sweaters
a glint of silver
am i willing
to step back into the cold
hazy mist’s embrace
an undefined home
i felt the ache today
constricting beneath my sternum
a singularity spontaneously
formed between my lungs
pulling its surroundings
making me smaller
smaller
smaller
