i feel sad today

Jun 28, 2024

i feel sad today
the kind with pressure built up
just behind my eyes

i think it’s sadness
from settling back into
an old normalcy

while this feels better
than the recent depression
theoretically

i feel sad because
i’m scared i’ll mistake normal
for what it is not

that i’ll think normal
means good, great even, because
it’s at least not pain

but absence of pain
is not the presence of joy
those are not the same

and the old normal
meant comfortable and stagnant
repeating patterns

do not mistake me
there were glimmering moments
in this old normal

moments of rapture
of delight, of play, of joy
and i am grateful

but the old normal
also meant letting problems
persist, reappear

meant minimizing
“it’s not that big of a deal”
“it’ll get resolved”

it did not resolve
and all the things i thought were
just not a big deal

were not, in a way
but instead they were countless
little straws added

onto weight i held
until my knees finally
buckled, and i fell

and the straw spilled out
covering every facet
of my little life

i am scrambling now
to clean up this mess i’ve made
but as it turns out

straw is hard to see
hard to pick up. it pricks me
gifts me little wounds

breaks between fingers
even if i try my best
to be so gentle

my eyes strain looking
so i give up and fumble
feeling with just hands

with each straw i find
i’m not sure if i should be
rejoicing the win

or weeping for strain
that i’m not sure how many
more there even are

metaphor’s breaking
straw can’t really represent
all of my concerns

i guess my point is
i’m so scared and so confused
and life makes no sense

and i wish there were
easy answers, and fewer
consequences here

but of course, there aren’t
isn’t that supposed to be
the point of living?

what’s that platitude?
something about how challenge
makes life worth living?

sure. maybe that’s right
and i’m sure i’d agree on
some happier day

but just not today
today i’m just too tired
can that be enough?