hello, hi, i'm here

begging you to acknowledge || my sheer existence

It’s been a minute. I’m emerging from an intense couple of weeks, filled with high highs and low lows. I’ve had interactions that have brought out both the very best and absolute worst in me. It’s exhausting to oscillate so rapidly between the divergent ends of these spectrums.

These are select haiku from the last four months, written of both the past and present, presented alphabetically. Thank you for taking a couple minutes to be here.

an inflection point
emerges, yet i’m unsure
which way the path leads

-

associations
rewritten. i both cherish
and resent this truth

-

because you see me
frequently, you assume i
am not high value

-

could you kindly stop
appearing in all my dreams?
don’t want to see you

-

eucalyptus blowing
in the light breeze has now lost
its saliency

-

every compliment
you danced around, deflected
“who, little old me?”

-

felt in my stomach
either pangs of guilt, regret
or just hangover

-

fingertips lightly brush
my ribs, my skin shivering
as aspens applaud

-

forty-five minutes
waiting for pizza that i
didn’t even want

-

found me wandering
in green apple’s aisles
contemplating death

-

hyena cackles
keep erupting from my throat
machine gun laughter

-

i am fortunate
to have been here to witness
the two of you bloom

-

i brought the rain in
to st. kilda’s coffee shop
my hair, clothes, dripping

-

i can’t win, can i?
i fake it, hate myself, or
i’m real, they hate me

-

i clutch the speaker
the bass reverberating
through my fingertips

-

i embraced the tree
that had held me as i wept
thanked it for its hold

-

i feel fatigued from
driving by places that i
would rather forget

-

i hyped myself up
on three separate occasions
to get out of bed

-

i walk through the door
immediately my head
begins its throbbing

-

i wish i could ask
what the subtext was and get
an honest answer

-

i'm partly relieved
and partly disappointed
that you'll be absent

-

is it odd that i
am still kind of drawn to death
though i’m doing “fine?”

-

it is incredible
how quickly embarrassment
sets my cheeks ablaze

-

my choices cement
our friendship’s dissolution
calculated risk

-

nirvana’s “rape me”
comes on over the speakers
therefore: time to leave

-

our call underscored
inevitability
of our divergence

-

peel the second skin
leave tenderness in its wake
my arm, red and raw

-

perhaps it was just
cruel and vacuous torture
each step of the way

-

she leaned in, asked me
“are you gonna drink or not?
you can't serve two gods”

-

specific angles
are easier to recall
given exposure

-

the coaster fell out
from between the book’s pages
couldn't help but laugh

-

the kind of tired
where i fight the urge to fall
under my own weight

-

today in the leaves
i remembered you fondly
not so grief-stricken

-

we checked in each step
of the way, and even still
was a bad idea

-

we laughed together
and for a time i forgot
things are different now

-

what i feared has come
a duet of loss. what was
and what could not be

-

whatever helps me
sleep at night is what i shall
be telling myself

-

when the morning came
i stayed tucked between the sheets
delaying reality

-

“you look like shit, dude”
i think to myself, staring
in bathroom mirrors

-

you may not agree
but i’d like to think i am
worth the investment

-

your spirit sparkles
radiating from behind
your clear hazel eyes